Conversations with Mrs. GSR

November 4th - Election Night:

GSR - I can't believe it is election night. It will be so weird when all of this is just over tomorrow.
Wife - I know. Today one station was so desperate for "political coverage" that they ran a special on Presidential scandals.
GSR - Tell me you didn't watch it.
Wife - I flipped back and forth between it and some other stuff, but I had to see the segment on Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski.
GSR - Really?
Wife - Yeah.....
GSR - You still wish that Bill Clinton would seduce you, don't you?
Wife - Maybe a little.
GSR - There are things about you I'll never understand, aren't there?
Wife - Congratulations. Only took you 6 years to figure that out.

November 12th - Waking Up

GSR - Good morning wife. How'd you sleep?
Wife - I just had the hottest dream about you.
GSR - Really? I think I'm going to need some details on this.
Wife - Well....you were getting it on with someone else.
GSR - ....I feel like I am all of a sudden on thin ice here. Can I ask "who?" since you seemed to enjoy it so much?
Wife - Matt Damon.

November 12th - Arriving home after Bar Trivia

GSR - Hey wife, you don't have to wake up. I'm coming straight to bed.
Wife - How did you do at trivia?
GSR - We did okay. We finished in second place, so 20 dollars off the tab.
Wife - 2nd place huh? Do you know why you finished in 2nd place?
GSR - Um....there was a team that scored 3 more points than us.
Wife - Yeah - but more importantly 2nd place is your identity.
GSR - Let me guess - Your identity is....
Wife - 1st place. That's right. Now shut up and get in bed.

Blogging as Relationship

The Early Phase (a.k.a. Hot and Heavy) - Do you remember the beginning? The early days and weeks of the relationship were so exciting and you sometimes had trouble concentrating on anything but your new found other. You paid careful attention to every detail. You were attentive. There didn't seem to be enough time in the day to accomplish all of the things that you wanted to do together. A sample conversation if you will:

Me - Hey there. I couldn't help but notice that you are all alone. I don't mean to imply that you are "looking" for someone, but I think we could be a pretty good team. Besides, my friend who is already in a relationship with your friend has told me about you and I have to say that my interest is piqued.



TFFU - Well hello. I've seen you staring at me for quite some time so I'm glad you finally made your move. Let's do this.



[One week later]


Me - Hey baby, how are you today?


TFFU - I'm tired, but in a good way ;) I can't believe we did it twice yesterday and you have been coming by to check me out several times a day for the past week. I like your passion.


The Steady Phase (a.k.a. - Developing Routines) - Fast forward to that middle stage. You know, the place where you start to lose the urgency of your actions because you know and trust that the other isn't going anywhere. You have a commitment to one another and this allows you to relax a bit. Conversation now takes a different tone:


Me - How was your day?


TFFU - Good - yours?


Me - Can't complain. What do you say we make plans for this Friday. I like the idea of it being our date night.


TFFU - Sounds good to me. I think it is important that we always have some time set aside for one another.



The Denouement (a.k.a. - Getting Lazy) - This is the stage where you realize you have each gotten complacent. You are happy to have one another - you wouldn't leave one another for anything - but you have each gotten lazy. A typical conversation goes like this:



[Friday Night]

TFFU -So....it is Friday. I know it has been a while, but....do you wanna?


Me - Oooo - that sounds nice....but you know I just ate that entire burrito and drank 7 beers...maybe tomorrow?



So to sum up - I know I've been ignoring my blog. Chalk it up to lack of inspiration mixed with a shit-ton of work. Either way I'm hoping that inspiration will come back in a more regular way and there will be some more posts in the future. Thanks to those of you who have stuck around to check on me - I'll try and stop by your place soon.

-GSR

Online Shopping: A Cautionary Tale With Pictures

Hello Hello and Happy Long Weekend to all of you in the states. I hope you all have plans to relax, eat, drink, and watch some college football. Eh,, 3 out of 4 isn't bad either.

This week I bring you a cautionary tale of online shopping. Specifically, online shopping for wine.

Now you might be thinking, "GSR, why in the name of all that is alcoholic would you need to shop online for your wine?" Fair question. The answer is that Mrs. GSR and I love us some red wine, and one particular brand of chianti always seems to end up in our apartment. Using the little that we liberal arts majors knew about economics we arrived at the idea that if we really like this brand, and we always buy single bottles of it for 12 bucks a bottle, it would probably be cheaper if we could just buy a case. Good plan, yes? And, the extra bonus is that it would be awesome to have a case of wine sitting in my apartment. I imagined that I would feel like I had graduated from college and kegs of beer, to the grown up world of cases of wine (note: A cask of wine would be much cooler, but apparently there are shipping issues as well as issues of this not being the 19th century).

So being the expert that I am at using "the Google" I went in search of a store that (a) would deliver our favorite wine and (b) would sell it on the cheap. It took approximately 3.8 seconds to find a store that fit the above criteria and they were selling the usually 12 dollar bottles chianti for 5 dollars. Let that sink in for a moment.

The logical thing at this point was to order 10 bottles, select the cheap delivery option, and then sit back and wait for the sweetest delivery that I have ever received. The order was placed, the payment was made, and within a week the shipping was confirmed.

Before I proceed with this story allow me to interject some pictures. Here is one of the bottles that arrvied. Enticing, yes?




Now, here is a picture to try and help you understand why this is a cautionary tale. I have brought in my assistant Ramona (sister to Beezus, the cats that own my wife and I):



Now obviously one of two things is true here:

Option 1) I HAVE A GIANT CAT! ZOMFG!!!1! (who also likes her chianti).

or

Option 2) I ordered 10 tiiiiiiiny bottles of chianti and did not actually save lots of money.

I'll leave it up to you to decide which, but I will admit that it took me approximately 30 seconds to notice that something was wrong when I removed the first bottle. My thought process was: Have I grown? Did I become a giant? Oh no, am I turning into the Hulk? Good times.

Mrs. GSR and I will still be drinking this wine, but there is some chance that we will be using bendy straws, and it is a certainty that this wine won't last as long as planned. If anyone else has a cautionary tale of online shopping I'd love to hear it in comments.

Happy Weekend!

-GSR

Quick Post - I'm Pissed

Hello Hello and all that jazz. I haven't posted in a while but I swear I am planning a triumphant return....or at least a return of some sort, but today is about using this blog for what the good Lord intended when on the 8th day he created blogs, indie rock, and ironic t-shirts. This is about banging out a post because you care. This is about standing up for beliefs. This is about drawing attention to what matters.

The Democratic National Convention, you ask? No.
The human rights violations in China that the Olympics simply ignored? No.
....Little League baseball? YES!

So first read this story.

I swear you are so lazy. Would it have killed you to actually read it? Fine - here is the breakdown.

A 9 year old boy in New Haven, CT has been told that he is not allowed to pitch in the 8-10 year old league that he joined. The reason? Because he is "too good." He throws a 40 mile-per-hour fastball that scares some of the other kids (or more likely, the other kids' parents) and the league has voted that he is no longer allowed to take the mound.

You might be thinking, "Well I'm sure he has hit a few kids with this fastball and that is why parents are irked?" You would be wrong. He has hit no one. He is just good.

So I offer this to the parents and people who agree with this league's decision:

1) You are wrong.
2) If your kid is scared you should tell him/her to "sack up" and stand in there. Sometimes you learn more by striking out than you do by avoiding a tough pitcher.
3) If you are scared that your kid might get hit, take your kid out of the league. Also take away their bike (cars), football (tackling), and fill your pools in with cement (drowning).
4) Bang your head against the wall until the following lines makes sense
-Punishing a child for being too good at a character developing activity like sports is not the message you want to send.
-Telling your kids to avoid legitimate challenges is not the message you want to send.

Got it? Understood? Good. Good talk. Now let's play some ball.

-GSR

One More Reason Why The World Hates the U.S.

During this first formal day of the 29th Summer Olympics - after what many writers are calling the most spectacular opening ceremony ever - my wife and I settled into our morning by watching the U.S vs. Japanese Women's Volleyball match.

There were serves and sets and spikes happening every 5 seconds.

The U.S. was coming back from an unexpected deficit.

And we were sitting on the couch laughing as we realized the name on the back of one of the Japanese jerseys was Takeshita.

We officially have the combined maturity level of an 11 year old boy.

Asshole Redux

I had originally planned a post this week to discuss my solutions for the crisis in the Middle East, America's dependency on oil, and the ever-glowing orange skin color of Michael Kors (I swear he looks like an adult baby with jaundice). Unfortunately though the last two weeks have been tough in both my professional and personal life so I needed to write something a little lighter. Sorry Israel, Pakistan, America, and the family of Michael Kors - all of those solutions will have to wait at least another week. This week I am revisiting a topic from several months back courtesy of the ladies at The Collective. They have revisited the topic of "Top Reasons Why I'm (still) an Asshole" and once again encouraged their readers to play along. I am sure that many of you are thinking, "But GSR, you already gave us 5 reasons back in January....surely there can't be more reasons why you are an asshole!?" Believe me when I say that I was as surprised as you. So without further ado, the "Asshole Redux:"

1) My Theory on Listening to Albums

As a few of you know, aside from my wife and my books - music is one of the most important things in my life. I get no less than 4-5 albums a month and some months have been known to go double on that amount. What makes me an asshole is my response to people when they ask me how I like a particular album. It usually goes like this:

Friend: Hey GSR, how is that album.

GSR: Oh - well I think it is pretty good so far, but I don't really know how I feel about an album until I have listened to it at least 3 times (said with grave reverence to this process with a hint of "I'm educating you friend on how to evaluate music").

But do you know what (and I know you do)? EVERYONE SAYS THIS ABOUT ALBUMS. It is not unique to me. I did not invent this. It is like saying in response to a comment regarding your local weather, "Well, if you don't like this weather just wait a minute. Weather here is always changing! (Insert laughter)." Yet I still always (ALWAYS!) give my pat response to a question about how I am liking an album. Because when I say it I somehow believe I am better at applying this "3 listen" theory better than anyone else. Do you know why? Cause I'm an asshole.

2) I refuse to give directions/time estimates with round numbers

Allow me a minute (or a minute and twenty seven seconds) to explain this one. When someone asks me how long it will take them to get to a certain location I try to give them the exact answer. Something like, "Well, you will have to walk for about .7 miles and then make a right. From there it should take about 4 minutes for you to see the bar which will be to your right."

I do this because I reject the common theory that directions always take an amount of time that is rounded to a "whole mile" (1,2,3, etc...) or time that is on the "0" or the "5" (10 minutes, 15 minutes, 1 hour, etc...). My family will tell you that I have been doing this since I was a child (which then I imagine was cute), but now I do it out of a passive aggressive rejection of overly simplistic directions.

3) I take bar trivia seriously

Just ask Mysterygirl! or my wife - there are fewer statements that are true than my "Asshole Point" number 3. Now to be clear, I don't yell when I get the wrong answer. I don't argue with the trivia jockey (real job title). And I don't get angry with my teammates (except for that one time....). I mostly sulk and look dejected if my team isn't winning. This also plays into me being a competitive asshole - but to do this over bar trivia? That my friends makes me a different class of ass(hole).

4) This conversation that I had last night with my wife

GSR: I think I am going to post tomorrow. The women at The Collective have redone their "Asshole" post and it was fun to do last time.

Wife: That sounds nice. What reasons are you going to give?

GSR: Well, I only have three right now - What I say about albums, the way I give directions, and the way I get competitive at trivia.

Wife: Yes! All of those are true! (Hahahahaha) Do you know what my reason would be for being an asshole?

GSR: Yes. Yes I do. Your reasonS would be related to how you don't take trivia seriously, you give directions that aren't exact, and you don't listen to good music.

Wife: Is that right?

GSR: Yes. And you basically disappoint God everyday with your actions. Also making you an asshole.

Wife: You're right. I do disappoint God everyday - by being married to you Gentile! You know how Jewish people say "Next Year in Jerusalem" to refer to the afterlife? Well husband, "Next year in Jerusalem.....NOT!"

And that pretty much sums up me being an asshole. I hope everyone is having a great weekend and fantastic summer. I'm off to drink during the day and read To The Lighthouse.

Happy Saturdays Everyone.

p.s. - To any European/Aussie readers - please substitute in "arsehole" for each instance of "asshole." This post will make a lot more sense.

Hodge Podge Sunday or "A Return to Random"

Hello Hello and Happy Sundays all around. You can thank (read: blame) my wife for this post since she looked over at me last night, sipped her wine, and politely asked, "So - are you going to post again, or what?" So today I present to you a random assortment of thoughts/confessions:

I Don't Use Google Reader

That's right. I said it. I don't use Google Reader. And you know what - it is completely by choice (unlike when I don't use home repair tools or tools in general). I realize that the downside to not using "the Reader" is that I don't always get up to the minute reports on my favorite blogs. It also means that I have to repeatedly check back at certain blogs, which no doubt increases my "is he stalking me" quotient (Answer: Yes to the women of The Collective). But one of my small pleasures in life is the moment of anticipation/reward when I check a favorite site, see a new post, and then read and comment. Do I ever miss posts? Sure - especially when I am busy - but for now I am sticking by my non-use of "the Reader."

I Went to See WALL-E

And you know what? It was awesome. My wife and I had our first date night in about 6 weeks and when she asked me which movie I wanted to see after our fancy/schmancy dinner I immediately said Wall-E. My wife was not surprised by this since I have spent the last week dropping hints about this movie in a way that I tried to play off as, "Whatever...we could see it or not see it." For example - rather than saying that I really wanted to see this movie I said things like, "I really think you will like this movie. It looks very touching." And, "Don't you like those Disney/Pixar movies? Cause if you do, you might be interested in this WALL-E movie."

Yeah - it took all of about 2 seconds before my wife called me out on this by saying, "If you want to see a movie about a robot who doesn't talk we certainly can. But let's call it what it is - You want to see this movie."

I am happy to report that not only did I like this movie but my wife fully bought into it and was glad that we went. Still - it wasn't lost on me that on a weekend where we could have seen Wanted or Hancock I chose the kid's movie. I think this is a sign that I have officially crested through the period in my life where I party like I'm in college and go see the "shoot em up" movies.

I Am a Terrible Patient

Which is also another way of saying that I am sick. I have been sick for about a week and I have managed to not only avoid going to the doctor, but I also managed to not take a day off. I have about 50% of my voice, 30% of my energy, and a cough that seems to get worse at night. So in the absence of going to a doctor my plan for getting better has included the following:

Sunday - Drink close to a six pack of Michelob Ultra, using the logic that it is mostly water and water is good for people who are sick.
Monday - Drink several pints of Bud Light with the rationale that it may have slightly more alcohol than Michelob Ultra, and therefore kill more germs.
Tuesday - Drink two glasses of red wine - cause beer wasn't available
Wednesday - Drink a small glass of bourbon (again, alcohol kills germs) followed by some Miller Lites
Thursday - Wine + Nyquil = Good Sleep
Friday - Approximately 10 beers over the course of the 4th of July Holiday accompanied by Doritos (that cheese dust may have magical healing powers) and hot dogs (of all the ingredients a cure for bronchitis could be one of them).
Saturday - Gin + Blueberry Juice (called a Midnight Karma at previously mentioned 'High Fallutin" restaurant) because Blueberries = antioxidants....and when you take Nyquil later you sleep longer.

So that is all for now. I realize getting comments on Sunday are like getting a case of the giggles while reading Sylvia Plath, but I figure for those of you using Google Reader this may provide some Sunday morning fodder.

Remedies for a bad colds, thoughts on WALL-E, or reasons why Google Reader is the bee's knees in comments.